


Reflection

by mikrokosmostae



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Character Death, Death, Developing Relationship, Emotional, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Funeral, Reflection, Self-Reflection, Short, Short & Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27041662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikrokosmostae/pseuds/mikrokosmostae
Summary: What role does a father play in a daughter's life?Kanak keeps asking herself. Would she be better off by now?Shahid still hopes that someday, she'll let her walls come down. Someday, she would wake up feeling more. As the memories warm Kanak's heart, she takes a decision.A short story of Kanak's journey.
Kudos: 1





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first work here at AO3. I am excited about this journey and hope you all like it :)

**_ 1) Arrival _ **

I am woken up from my dream as the train halts, me practically falling on Shahid. He catches me by my arm, holding me steady.

“Are you okay?” he looks straight into my eyes with so much sincerity. I don’t deserve it.

I quietly nod as the train finally stops. It has finally arrived at the station and judging by the smell of chai, it was early in the morning.

“We are here. Ready?” Shahid asks me with the same sincerity and all I could do was nod. I mean I couldn’t back off now, right? We are practically here and there was no turning away now.

**_I was finally back to where I belong. I was finally back to face my memories._ **

Shahid puts the luggage and gives a hand to me. His hand was as warm as always. I hold them and get down.

“Oh, you are cold. Here.” He puts gloves on my hand to warm my fingers. But my heart was still cold.

“Wait here. I’ll look for kaka.” And runs off to find our family driver. We called him kaka for his specific characteristics of acting like one. He would always spoil me by giving me everything my parents would deny me. He would always sneak me out of my house during suffocating nights. And here I am, waiting for him to rescue me again.

I nod quietly again, knowing that Shahid did not see it. I look around the station. It was good that there wasn’t much crowd. The smell of chai was prominent and I tread towards the small eight-year-old boy selling it.

“CHAI! CHAI!” he looks at me approaching, “Five rupees a cup.”

I hand him a ten-rupee note, signaling him to keep the change. The tea was steaming hot and it provided some peace to my nose. Breathing in the fresh air of grass, flowers, and familiar people.

I still stand on the edge waiting for Shahid and our luggage, staring at the hill in front of me. A blotch of infrastructure on top was what I was focusing on. It was my house. I mean, it still is but I just don’t live there.

I keep staring at it. I don’t know if staring at it would magically make it disappear but I’ll be thankful if it did. It will take away those memories too. Don’t get me wrong. Even with my mom living there alone, it does get lonely for her. And for me, everything will be gone with the house gone.

I am broken away from my thoughts when I hear a familiar voice calling me.

“Kaka is here. Come, let’s get you in before you become the ice queen.” Shahid chuckles as he holds my hands and then the suitcase in the other. We won’t be staying here for long so one was enough.

He doesn’t wait for my response and I walk away with him, glancing at that blotch of a house far away. Now that I will be nearing it, I feel my heart beating faster.

Shahid opens the car’s door for me and I sit in. He loads the suitcase in the trunk and sits beside me, closing the door. Kaka looks back, smiling at me.

“Long time no see, Kanak.” He smiles with his teeth out. Some must have fallen due to his old age.

I smile back.

“Mom didn’t come?” Shahid enquires.

“I kept it as a secret from madam. She thinks you are coming tomorrow.” He giggles as he turns the engine, revering the steering wheel.

“We are in for a surprise then, Kanak.” Shahid claps his hand like a happy seal looking at me. I try to suppress my smile. He is cute.

I look out of the window as Kaka and Shahid talk about all the nonsensical things in this world. The noises fade out as I reminisce looking at the scenery. Nothing seems to have changed.

“That’s the beauty of small towns. They never change. Right Kanak?” Shahid asks me. I nod, not looking at him but enjoying the scenery.

I don’t know when the car stops and when I get out of it. I realize it when Shahid is in front of the door, knocking. I am broken from my trance as I look at the familiar door. Teak wood with intricate designs. The doorknob of metal. A door knocker with a simple fairy-like design. Everything is the same. Even the nameplate.

**“Rashi and Jay Mehrotra”**

Even though the people aren’t.

We could hear footsteps approaching and Shahid starts tidying up his hair. He doesn’t realize that my mother already loves him and he doesn’t need to do it. But I don’t stop him.

The doorknob clicks and a figure opens the door with a creak. The first thing I noticed was the grey hair. I remember teasing her about this and promising myself that I would never end up like this.

The shock was pretty evident on her face as Shahid gives her a big hug,

“SURPRISE MA!” I am pretty sure she became deaf. But her eyes were on me. Straight up staring into my soul. Just like I was staring at this house from far away, wishing for it to disappear.

“Kanak…..” she says and Shahid releases her from his hold.

“Yes, ma. She finally agreed to come.” He steps back a bit, letting me come forward to hug her.

I hugged her and she smelled like home. The home I avoided for so long.

“Oh, Kanak…..” and I knew from her voice that she was crying.

_I was home._

**__ **

**__ **


	2. Home

**_ 2) Home _ **

I enter the house, the floors creaking beneath my shoes. Shahid ushers Kaka in too as he is profusely apologizing for giving such a surprise.

“Come on ma. I know you liked it.” Shahid hugs her again and this time she hugs her back.

“Of course. A mother always loves it when her children come home.” She wipes her tears and looks at kaka, “Could you keep them upstairs?” pointing at the suitcase and small handbag.

He bows and takes them up.

“It is not that I don’t like the surprise but I don’t have anything prepared.” She pouts. She was always this cute.

“MA! We aren’t guests for you to treat us in a special manner.” He holds her warm hands in his warm hands, pressing them. “We are glad to be back.” And looks back at me for assurance.

I nod back at them and look at the portrait behind her. The garland seems to be fresh.

“I change it every day. Different flowers.” My mom says when she follows my gaze.

“OHHHH! Dad looks so handsome, doesn’t he?” he lightens up the mood but I don’t smile.

I don’t smile anymore when they mention him. Just like 4 years back.

**_ Flashback _ **

“Kanak? What happened?” Shahid shouts as I fall, my phone falling with me. He grabs it in a quick motion and speaks.

“Hello?” “Yes maa? No no, she is okay. What happened?”

He gets silent too. I am still staring at that cold hard floor.

“When? Okay, we will be there.” He keeps the phone. I could hear him take a deep breath in, trying to control his tears. He wanted to be strong in front of me.

I keep staring at that cold, hard floor and I feel two hands on my shoulders. Those hands which always gave my warmth, couldn’t do anything anymore. Because I broke that day.

Everything in me broke that day and I still haven’t found all my pieces yet.

He puts my head on his chest, patting my back. He thought I would cry but I didn’t. I didn’t shed a tear. I couldn’t.

I don’t know for how long we sat there like that but I was thankful for Shahid to be there with me.

**_ Flashback Ends _ **

“Would you like some tea?” Ma speaks looking at me. I shake my head indicating that I was tired. I head straight towards the room on the left.

“But….” Shahid stops Ma from saying any further.

“She needs this Ma. She has held it in for four years. Let her be.” He assures her with his sincere smile.

It was this sincere smile that won me and my parents over.

Ma nods sadly as she goes to the kitchen with an excited Shahid.

Ironical as to how one part of the ‘home’ was beaming with happiness and the other side with total despair.

_I was brooding._


	3. Memories

**_ 3) Memories _ **

The door was as usual closed. Dad always kept the library door closed, banning anyone from coming inside. Except for me of course. I was an exception.

I remember running through the corridors, shuffling with those heavily bonded books and begging Dad to let me read the ones on his table. He would always say, in his deep baritone,

“Not now Kanak. You need to grow up for these.”

Am I grown up enough? How would I know?

“You will know when the time comes. When you know how to tackle your inner demons and embrace them.”

Dad always talked like this. He was very philosophical which gave way for me to get a degree in philosophy.

I trace my fingertips on his mahogany table. Ma still kept this place clean. The books, however, must have had dust on them. There were a few books on the table. Shakespeare’s Hamlet, a book of John Keats’s poems and Tuesdays With Morrie book.

I read Tuesdays with Morrie when I was small. Although I never understood the heavy subject it tackles, I was fascinated by how we need to depend on others when we fail to depend on ourselves. Of course, my teenage mind couldn’t understand the depth of these emotions but still, I tried.

The room’s smell remained the same. How is it possible when the person it belongs to is long gone? No trace of him could be found? Although, Ma says otherwise,

“He is here, in all our hearts.”

I sit on the chair, leaning on its leather back. The headrest was broken as before. Dad never fixed it. It still made that squeaking sound when I turn on it. I imagine my small self sitting right in front of this chair, looking at Dad with curious, Bambi like eyes, gathering all the world’s knowledge at once.

A gush of emotions hit me as I gaze around the whole room. But I don’t cry.

A family portrait was kept on the table. He never changed the old frame. I picked it up and grazed my finger over his face. He was so young and handsome. A drop of tear falls on it and I keep it the way it was before.

_I cannot cry. I shouldn’t cry. I don’t deserve to cry._

I get up to leave the room. Too many memories made me feel that I could be that me again. I was wrong. As I step out, I hear Shahid and Ma talk.

About me.


	4. Confession

**_ 4) Confession _ **

“I am still surprised,” Ma says.

“It took her a lot of courage to come here. I was surprised when she agreed at once. She must have missed him a lot.” Shahid says, sipping his tea.

“If only, she could be here on his last days.” I could hear Ma sniffling.

“She didn’t want to hurt him anymore after that day,” Shahid assures Ma.

I am glad at least someone could. Because I wasn’t in a state to take responsibility for her. And honestly, I still am not.

**_ About 6 years ago _ **

“Kanak, you stay out!” the doctor pushes me out of the room. Thankfully Ma and Shahid were there to catch me.

They rush in to tend to Dad. He was breathing heavily and shouting. He was shouting at me.

“No! She isn’t my daughter! She is lying!” he kept on beating his hands and legs. I was worried that he would hurt himself so I tried to go into the room. But Ma stopped me.

“It’s better that I go.” She pats my arm and heads towards the room. All I could see was her back and my Dad’s adamant screams.

It had been a while since the screaming has stopped. I was sitting with Shahid in the living room, anxiously biting my nails. The words still rang in my head.

“She isn’t my daughter! She is lying!”

But all I could think was he wasn’t in his right mind. Alzheimer’s can do that to you. He was detected a few months ago but it has been very hard lately. He wouldn’t remember things. And now, he was starting to forget people.

The door gets closed and it wakes me from my thoughts. I see Ma and the doctor walking towards me with this unreadable expression. My heart was beating faster because I don’t want to hear what they have to say.

“How is Dad?” Shahid comes to my rescue when words wouldn’t escape my mouth.

“He is stable now. But….” The doctor turns to me with eyes that were screaming ‘We are sorry’.

“But what? Is he going to be okay?” I ask him. He wasn’t answering. I turn to Ma with the same pleading eyes.

“Ma? What is going on?” but she hides her face from me, crying.

“Kanak, there is something you need to know.” The doctor starts. I still look at him with curiosity.

“It seems he doesn’t have any memories of you.”

I step back a little, composing myself, “Yes, I know that. But what is the problem?”

_I still couldn’t understand._

“And if we try to remind him of memories which he is certain he doesn’t have, can give him panic attacks like these. It can be worse.”

I nod, taking in the information. I still don’t understand what the doctor was hinting towards.

“We decided that it will be better if you don’t meet him, for a while.”

My heart sank after listening to this. It sank to its lowest level and I couldn’t float anymore. I stuttered, “Yes…. okay…. I get it. I’ll be in my room, keeping an eye on him.”

_I was still hopeful._

“No….” the doctor denied. Shahid looks at him confused.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“She should not live here for a while.” He kept a straight face when he said this and I swear, I wanted to punch him so bad.

“How long is that while?” trying to hold in my tears but they still fall out. They have always been unfair to me.

I didn’t notice but Ma was already sobbing. Shahid held her, letting me take control.

“We are not sure. But this is the best way to avoid any situation like this in the future.”

_I needed a time frame. One week? One month? Something?_

I looked at Ma. “Why don’t you live with Shahid for a while?” she says between her sobs.

My heart couldn’t sink anymore. I ran to my room upstairs.

“Kanak!” Shahid shouts to stop me but I run.

Somehow, that running felt as if I was running away from my emotions.

**_ Flashback Ends _ **

“How did the relatives react?” Shahid was still sipping the tea.

“You know how they are. They wouldn’t understand why Kanak did it.” Ma understood me. Shahid did too.

But they all had expectations that I would come. Even I had that for myself. But as always, I end up hurting people.

_Yes, I did not attend my dad’s funeral._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo! I hope you're enjoying it! I don't really know how this works but I really hope to be here for a long time <3


	5. Choice

**_ 5) Choice _ **

Not attending his funeral was my choice. No one forced me to attend. I remember Shahid packing his luggage to come here. At least someone had to be here with Ma. But he just asked me once.

“You sure you don’t want to come?”

And I sat there, still numb. He took that as my approval and left to come here. It must have been so hard for both Ma and Shahid to answer the questions of those nosy relatives.

_“Why didn’t Kanak come for her dad’s funeral?”_

_“Wasn’t she thrown out of the house four years ago?”_

_“What a cold-hearted daughter! I wish I never have someone like her.”_

“I don’t mind listening to their useless banter, Shahid. I know what she did was out of love. She wouldn’t see her father get hurt.” Ma’s voice cracks a little.

Shahid keeps his cup down and gives a side hug to her.

“It was difficult for her. Those two years apart from dad was total hell for her. She would remain strong in the day but cry her eyes out in the night.”

“Kanak was always a strong one.” Ma chuckles between her sobs.

_Was I really, Ma?_

“I am glad that you were with her, Shahid.” She holds his hands and thanks to him.

“Are Ma, I have loved her all my life. I love her every side. Even this sad and brooding one too.” They both chuckle as if it is some kind of an inside joke.

I don’t. Because I know it isn’t fair of me to bind Shahid along with my inner demons. It wasn’t fair of me to keep my Ma here, all alone in this house with Dad’s memories.

“Is the wedding date decided yet?” Ma asks Shahid.

_My heart sank again._

He struggles a bit before answering, “I want to give her time Ma. It is her choice.”

“But your mother?” she was worried that Shahid’s parents wouldn’t wait for this long. It has already been six years.

“I can handle them. I want Kanak to be sure before she marries me. I still remember her wish of……”

I close the door and they stop talking as if their secret was out.

“Oh Kanak! Would you like some breakfast?” Ma fumbles before speaking.

I just walk upstairs, ignoring her question.

“Did she hear everything?” Ma asks worriedly.

“Nah, I don’t think so.” Shahid goes back to sipping his tea.

But deep down, he wished I heard. He wished that I heard how much they love me and are ready to support me. The only thing I have to do is hold their hands.

**_But again, it is my choice._ **


	6. Photos

**_ 6) Photos _ **

I open the door in front of me. The room was still the same. I remember Ma would always keep it clean even though I wasn’t living here. The violin was resting in peace on the side. Was it ever cleaned?

I walk towards it and open it. A small smile creeps on my face as I see it neat and clean. Ma was always the responsible one in this household. What I and dad did was just create a mess.

I keep it in the same place and look around the whole room. The portrait above the head of my bed. The typical formal family photo. Oh, how I wish to have a family with Shahid. But I can’t.

How a broke girl like me can ever have a family of her own? I don’t want to tie Shahid down in the shackles with me. _I love him_. I do.

_But my wish hasn’t come true yet. Every girl’s wish when she chooses a guy to marry._

I wanted to stop feeling all these emotions. I just wanted to stop it altogether. I press my hand on my chest. The pain was unbearable. Funny how even after six years, it still feels the same. The wound hasn’t healed yet.

I look around, clutching my heart. How can I leave all of this behind? How can I leave them behind? Shame on me for ever thinking that they will be better off without me.

My hands automatically go to my drawer beside my bed. That is where I kept my photo albums, all organized neatly into family members, relatives, and friends.

A separate album with just me and my dad. I left this album here when I moved out, refusing to give in to these emotions of my heart breaking.

The album had leather covering with ‘ **DAD’** inscribed on top of it. My hands tremble as I open it.

_My heart was screaming._

**_Am I ready?_ **


	7. Warmth

**_ 7) Warmth _ **

Photo albums are a great way to preserve memories for lifelong. But what if I don’t want to relive them? What if reliving them only brings back the sadness associated with those?

_But I had to be brave._

The photos were cute and I looked happy. Of course, I would be happy. I had my superhero, my dad beside me. I chuckle as I see the first series of photos. Dad was trying to feed me and the four photos showed that he was totally done with it.

I remember how Shahid fed me when my arm broke. I kept on refusing the boring hospital food but he kept on feeding me. He was so done by my antics.

I smile sweetly remembering that memory. My heart suddenly feels warm as if those feelings were trying to get through the cold cage. I take a deep breath and continue further.

The next photo was of me sleeping in the crib while my Dad kept rocking it. The genuine smile on his face, while he gazed upon his little princess sleeping peacefully, was like heaven.

I remember how Shahid stayed beside me for a whole week when I got sick. He would regularly check my temperature and give me my medicines. I would whine that he doesn’t need to babysit me but he wouldn’t budge.

The warm fuzzy feeling in my heart continued to grow. I turn to the next page.

On the next page, my dad was carrying me in a stroller while walking down the supermarket aisles. My curious doe-like eyes were scanning the new environment and that perfect moment was captured by my mother.

I remember when I made a bet with Shahid and I lost terribly. As a punishment, I had to sit in the trolley as he pushes me through the aisles of the supermarket. I would say I looked like a total baby, excited by the ride and scanning the delicious food around me.

_What was this new feeling that I felt? Why did I picture Shahid in every memory?_

The next photo was of a seven-year-old me, sitting on my Dad’s shoulders. I was small so I couldn’t reach the uppermost cabinet. Also, I was banned from reaching there as it had my favorite sugar biscuits and my Ma would go hysteric if she saw me eating one of those. But my Dad couldn’t care less. He would let his princess have everything in this world. Little did we know, Ma had already captured a beautiful memory.

By the time I met Shahid, I was already tall enough to reach the cabinets. But after a long party, my feet were killing me because of the high heels. He spoke to me in his deep baritone, “Do your feet hurt?” and before I could answer, I was already piggy back-riding him. It was hell for him as I had to give him ice packs for his waist. But he didn’t complain. Nor did Dad.

_Was Shahid always this similar to Dad? Or was I too blind to notice it? Was this all in my head?_

I always loved snow so the next picture was of me making a snowman with my dad. We both were so concentrated in it that we don’t remember when the photo was taken.

The thing I remembered from my Shimla trip with Shahid was running around in the snow, hitting each other with it and then……making a snowman. I was so happy when we finished making it that my cheeks turned rosy red. Shahid has that picture as his lock screen.

I couldn’t voice out what I was feeling but my head was revolving in circles. I have to move on from my dad’s death.

I turn to the next page but a sudden knock makes me lift my head towards the direction.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” It was Shahid.

I don’t realize that it was already half-past four. I didn’t even eat lunch and they did not bother to disturb me.

I smile at him and keep the album down, the page still open. I hold his warm hands and for the first time, he must have felt that my hands were warm too. My heart felt warm.

“Are you hungry?” he asks. I shake my head in a no.

We both descend the stairs hand in hand, as Shahid waves at Ma.

“We are going for a walk.” Ma smiles looking at my face. For the first time in six years, she felt that I was happy.

She goes up to my room once we were out in the garden. She looks around, trying to find the reason that made me change within a few hours. But she couldn’t find any. Just as when she was about to give up and leave, she noticed the album on the bed. Specifically, the page opened.

_And she smiles looking at that._

She knows my heart would melt on seeing the good side of these memories. She knows that deep down, I will be able to forgive myself for not seeing off Dad nicely.

_And Shahid will help me with that._


	8. Closure

**_ 8) Closure _ **

We get out of the house, hand in hand.

“It was getting a little hard in the house, right?” Shahid lifts my chin with his finger. But I sweetly sway my head to say no. Though, it was good to be out.

I was very lucky to have a house atop the hill. You would always see some breath-taking sunsets. How the horizon will turn into orangish-red, the rays finally settling down, giving way for the moon to shine. I remember having these walks with Dad.

I suddenly stop in my tracks once that thought pops into my head. Shahid stops mid-track too to ask what happened.

“Are you okay?” he clutches my hand more. But this time I don’t hide it. I shake my head.

He hugs me, his hands engulfing me into his safe haven and patting my head, just like my dad.

“It’s okay. All is going to be okay.” He continues to stay like that for some time.

The sun was already setting as I could feel the chilly air around me. Shahid finally releases me from his hold and kisses my forehead.

“I am here for the sunset and I am not missing it.” He holds his hand out and I just stare at them. Those warm beautiful hands. He follows my gaze and retracts them back.

“Come back when you are ready.” And turns his back towards me, walking towards the fence. The sun was now setting and I could feel as if my feelings for Shahid were setting in too.

“Come back when you are ready.” That revolves in my head.

**_Am I ready yet?_ **

I look at Shahid walking ahead. I was still standing there like a statue. Everything in my heart was screaming to go and hold his hand, never letting him go. But my head was like “Am I ready?”

**_When can one be ever ready?_ **

As I watch him standing there, something clicks in my mind. I could finally shut off my mind and listen to my heart. Suddenly I feel my feet moving forward as if they got wings.

**_I was moving on._ **

I sneak up on him, not letting him know my presence. But his heart knew. His heart knew that Kanak was back.

I intertwine my fingers with his hand and leaned on his strong and sturdy shoulders. Strong enough to carry my burden and sturdy enough to be a support for me. I could feel his sincere smile.

“Are you back?” he asks with so much hope in his voice. And I won’t break it. Not this time.

I look up to him and look at his side face. It shone brightly even in the falling darkness around us. He was still looking ahead, with a smile on his face. I lean again on his shoulders and for the first time in a long time, I spoke.

**“I love you, Shahid.”**

I could hear his cute giggle as he says it back to me, “I love you too, Kanak. So so much.”

And we stand there, hand in hand, gazing at the sunset.

_What changed my mind suddenly? What made me face my demons?_

The page on the album which I was looking at before Shahid came was one of the most defining moments in my life. As I stood there like a statue, that picture revolves in my head. As I watch the love of my life slowly slipping away and standing in the exact position, my heart whimpered.

**_The photo was of me and dad standing hand in hand, gazing at the sunset._ **

“ _Take the time to be still and you will find what you have been looking for.”_ He said that day.

And my heart whimpered because I could see my dad’s image in him. The exact him. I must have imagined it because I thought he turned to me. And the person who turned to me was dad and that’s when my mind shut off.

_My wish had become true. I found what I was looking for._

**_My dad’s reflection._ **

_I understood that this **love is not a reflection of my soul, but the way my soul fits with Shahid.**_

****


	9. Closure

**_ 9) Epilogue _ **

_To papa,_

_Dad. I finally found someone who is as strong and sturdy as you. I am ready to move on. I am ready to forgive myself and get rid of any guilt I possessed. Thank you for this amazing life you gave me so that I could share it with Shahid. Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul. I’ll never be that me again. But I like this new me._

_The next day, I woke up feeling a lot more. I have been laughing a lot now. I have been spending a lot of time with Ma too. I asked her to come with me and Shahid but she was adamant about not leaving this house. This house was her memory safe place._

_Dad, you gave me the greatest gift of all, you believed in me. And today, when I look at Shahid and the belief he has in me, I smile ear to ear. My forever was falling but he catches it, promising me to safeguard it with his life._

_With a heavy heart, I conclude this chapter of my life with the greatest closure. I promise my unconditional love to you._

_Love,_

_Kanak._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnddd that's a wrap! Please dont forget to comment. Even the kudos.... <3


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